How to Recognize a Toxic Relationship
Finding yourself in a toxic relationship can be so easy. It can be a best friend, boyfriend, or your own mother. We justify these relationships because we wouldn’t be in the relationship or friendship if we didn’t start out liking the person first, right?
My latest toxic relationship I found myself in was with a neighbor. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but every time we would hang out, she would say something that would make me feel awful. After I went home, I felt even worse about myself. I finally decided I was going to take a break from this relationship, but I didn’t feel comfortable telling her that I didn't want to be friends anymore. I was nervous about her reaction.
The advice about toxic relationships point to the other person’s behavior as a sign that you are in a toxic situation. The obvious ones are emotional, verbal, or physically abusive behavior. But more difficult relationships to pinpoint are not so obvious. Here are some signs a relationship is toxic based on your feelings.
You don’t feel good about yourself when you’re around them.
You don’t feel safe sharing your feelings about what you need from them in fear of their reaction.
You need to process what happens in your interactions with this person consistently over a significant period of time.
You feel like your needs don’t matter when you are around them.
You question your reality and what you think about your world after getting advice from them.
If you find yourself confused in some of your relationships and not sure where to turn, constantly feeling like you’re stuck without a way out, I’m going to give you some direction about how to change these patterns forever.
For most of my life, I have been in relationships that made me feel less than. I was always questioning myself, trying to prove myself, striving to say the right thing to be accepted by those around me. When I didn’t say the right thing, I would laugh at myself and pretend I thought it was funny. I didn’t realize it, but this was making me feel worse.
Because these relationships were some of my family members, I was using this as a survival mechanism. Feeling rejected by any of your core family members can cut down your self-esteem, and toxic relationships can repeat later down the road. You repeat your past because those unhealthy dynamics are unconsciously familiar. We are creatures of habit. Instead of walking away from the first sign of disrespect or uncomfortable feelings, we end up justifying and continuing these relationships out of familiarity.
Tool 1: Become Aware
Analyze how you have felt in your primary relationships (meaning your immediate family members or the people who raised you). How did you feel about yourself when you were around them? Did they make you feel you had to prove something or were you nervous that you were always going to say something stupid? These are quiet forms of toxicity.
Now ask yourself the following questions for the relationship in question.
Tip: Trust your gut. The first answer to these questions is usually the right answer.
How often do you feel good about yourself when you are around this person?
Can you imagine telling this person that you sometimes don’t feel good about yourself when you’re around them? What do you think their reaction would be?
How much do you need to process issues about your relationship with this person with other people?
What do you imagine would happen if you told this person that you didn’t want to be friends/neighbors/lovers anymore (hypothetically)?
Tool 2: Analyze What Need These Relationships Are Serving
Unmet needs are the underlying root cause of all emotional issues. When you get angry, more than likely a boundary has been crossed and you need to say something to feel safer. When you get sad, you might need comfort, compassion, or understanding.
So, keeping this in mind, what justifications have you made for keeping these relationships in your life? Do they provide financial support? Love? Friendship? What need is this relationship meeting for you?
Tool 3: How Else Could You Get These Needs Met?
Come up with options for getting these needs met in other ways. If it’s friendship that you need, put out an intention for a new friend to show up. If it’s a toxic boss, how can you seek other forms of employment? Remember, you are trying to get a need a met.
Tool 4: Finding the Courage to Say Your Truth
By this point, you should already know whether this relationship in question is toxic, but you probably want to avoid any unnecessary drama, uncomfortable feelings, or any repercussions from cutting the relationship. For good reason! You haven’t cut it off before, for a reason.
You should never be afraid to speak your true feelings to people who are safe. So, what do you do? The only thing to do is to end the relationship either through putting physical distance or speaking your truth. Whenever you can speak your truth, you will feel more confident, as it will say to your inner child, “I am worth enough to leave bad situations.” This results in higher self-esteem and fosters feelings of natural self-confidence.
As you continue to say no to toxic relationships, these patterns will eventually stop testing you, but the only way to stop the patterns is to do things differently. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again, expecting a different result.
Once I moved away from unhealthy people, I attracted healthier people and healthier relationships. Ones that served me, supported me, and helped me thrive. I want this for you too.
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